Ignorance is always abysmal, learning... thinking before believing what you are told is realistic

There are myriad challenges of having a malady. If you have the most unusual diseases known to humankind it becomes a fateful condition where you can't afford to be ignorant and continue being tired if you desire quality and extension of your life.

There will be an intense, somber, indefatigable strife where you don't have to worry only about healing because recovery is a tough process that takes time and patience leaving scars behind but you have to bother about financial demands to get a proper diagnosis and the desirable treatment regime.

Few diseases of the present have little in common with the diseases of the past because of their rarity but like an owl, you have to pore over abstruse medical documents and make it your pastime with a great penchant for general science with an interest in medicine.

When you are bombarded with heavy-duty medical words of a mysterious sickness as your diagnosis by medical men who claim to possess full knowledge of those things don't become trifle too dreamy and treat their words as Gospels.

I think of the overwhelming despair of the medical practitioner roaring,

“You come and sit in my chair; let me go sit in your chair.”

Their impossibly bumptious opinionated ego deflates showing all the indications of superiority. He has earned his degree through remarkably well medical training going through the rigors of medical school, how can an inferior creature ask him questions?

This peculiar outbreak of blind rage and reprisal I faced in the unfunny days of my first brain tumor.

I spoke with authority because it was my body he would work upon and if he doesn't do a very careful job with his scalpel with full knowledge of what he was about to do then my fragile life bird would have flown away. I had the full right to know what was to be done to me.

After completing their medical degrees do they plunge into the world of unique diseases, keep themselves updated, keep track of all those maladies?

Oftentimes, I don't get dragged into the melancholia of the medical lore when I seek medical advice because if you stick with just one opinion it might result in hazardous effects or sorrowful tragedies.

When you are a medical curiosity, medical personnel make exaggerated claims of their achievements and try to draw you into an unnecessary surgery which has a drastic and dramatic effect when a non-invasive procedure is preferred to preserve your life. They forget the medical profession is all about the preservation of life. They wish to put you in cold storage because they might as well think if you go kaput you'd be useful when you are dead rather than alive because they want to make major advances by making unusual exploration and conquering certain strange and unusual diseases and reach unpredictable heights of fame.

So better not stare at them with stupefaction, even the most brilliant medical mind can make mistakes and it happened with me twice… when unwary, heedless surgeons worked for hours to save a patient's life, noted a minute detail but failed to test it for any further implications... next time it was when their negligence led to the other doctor saying "Everything is in God's hands" because they are not omniscient or omnipotent, they use their acquired knowledge and skills to save a life.

Surgeons must be very careful

When they take the knife!

Underneath their fine incisions

Stirs the Culprit —Life!- Emily Dickinson

What did you say? 

"Aha—you observant rascal. You are bonkers...are you crazy?"

 No, I am not. I keep myself well-informed so that I don't fall into the wrong hands. I love learning and gaining knowledge which brought in understanding, comprehension, a better grasp of my bizarre diseases, not to be afraid of death or lead an unlived life like a zombie.  Because in the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. Live life to the fullest and try bringing color to my life. I feel alive, not just breathing. 

Your brain will literally change in chemical composition when you understand the monstrosity and the oddity of your disgraceful lingering illness. It has larger economic implications unless you are filthy rich. When in poverty, you face medical embarrassments, the humiliation of asking for financial help, physical suffering, money concerns but you mustn't feel fear and tedium of dying. Treasure every moment because life is too short and if anyone comments medical care has become an impossible burden, do some exploring and show them a picture of their “Standard of living.” They ought to raise their "Standard of giving".

 Let those walk away who don't want to stay because your destiny is not tied to them. Family is not about blood bond, it's about willing to hold your hands when you need them most. The right ones will not leave, in my case, only my mum stayed with me, everyone else turned their face. I don't expect anyone to understand my journey because they have never walked the same path, trudged the same hills. 

Humans have a natural desire to have more good things than he requires, but don't understand what others need...perils they face...ordeals they are going through...are they humane? Do they scoff? Do they abide by the small rule formed by society…" helping hands are better than praying lips…" If we have promised ought, let us keep our promise" but promises which are hollow, empty is worse than lies … the greatest sin as you make others believe and hope for something which you are sure you can't do…"Tis not what man does exalts him but what man would do"-- Robert Browning. 

This is not sentimental madness, this is the pain but I am a mermaid without tears. You can't assume me spineless in the first place, I dare to speak because I have nothing to lose.  I want my tangible trace existing after I am gone.

 There's really a good chance of getting old with silver hairs if my venerable disease gets an opportunity for good treatment, my potentials are realized and my battle with the selfish self-centered people ends. My life will be perfect and trouble-free. Every day I look at myself in the mirror I see a badass zebra. Why do zebras have stripes by the way? Because it is stylish, classy, and not tacky. 

But it's the truth even if it didn't happen

Life is a game of chance;

Granted once;

Grow and live vibrantly not in a trance,

Soul dance​,

Immense will billow like a towering tsunami;

Summon up the courage to live life once. 

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! 

Life is so beautiful and precious!

I experienced horrors that would give most people nightmares for life but the thing is if you face serious issues from a younger age you don't cringe inside or give up on life. The older you get without ever having a real problem you don't know how to handle it. Starting early gives you a perspective if you don't die first.

The name of my disease sounds euphoric and when you start explaining it resembles deadly babble where the prognosis is like a psychic scream. 

It's like Jerome. K Jerome said "I sat and pondered. I thought what an interesting case I must be from a medical point of view, what an acquisition I should be to a class! Students would have no need to “walk the hospitals,  " If they had me. I was a hospital in myself. All they need do would be to walk round me, and, after that, take their diploma. " in his novel "Three men in a boat."

After battling countless surgeries, I can understand the value of human life and can feel the consequences of the moments that people lose whining which will never come back. No matter how much we wish to go back and relive an event or a happy moment or eradicate a sad moment that is never going to happen. So, live at this moment and don’t lose it. Treasure every moment as if they were your last.

I love Ken Kessy's words " But it's the truth even if it didn't happen". However, I have a lack of a vital emotion, fear which made me survive several life-threatening surgeries with a smile on my face when Doctors said: " Everything is in God's hands".

Multi-drug resistant tuberculosis made my life unbearably agonizing for me but I never shed tears or complained about the pain and discomfort because that's the way I am. 

"All my life I had to battle and struggle against things"

She remembered with horrified revulsion

With congested brain but plenty of imagination

She fought the demon with Mum’s inspiration

Faced the momentous occasion

Putting her faith on Divine Providence

God's intervention

Even in unthinkable pain

She does not complain

She needs more encouragement and support to win all wars with determination, my mum had thought in her weakest moment, 

Her cogs and circuits malfunctioned

She fought the war unlamented

She faces life uncomplaining, contented

A very long time ago, a lifetime before the present

A dragon came to blaze up her life, push her to perdition

She traversed Via Dolorosa holding tight

Inspired by glorious Mum's might

She is a warrior, yet something human and living too. 

That deserves its happiness like me or you.

I don't know how to cry but when Trigeminal Neuralgia attacked me

Irrepressible pain

Gloom hysteria

I am Trigeminal Neuralgia

Daggers stab eyes 

Shedding tear

Sending a wave of fear ☠️

He taught me to cry but then with mum's support I controlled myself. Mum's affection and care act as restorative always.

Battle with Trigeminal Neuralgia

A bolt of pain shot up the face,

Reached the farthest limit,

With disdain without grace,

Sneaking into the throat,

As quiet as a mouse

Huddling behind the ear,

Pulsating in the mouth,

Strange tic

Distorting face so quick, 

Drilling teeth, eye swelling,

Making it tormented house,

 A bedistressful dwelling--

Jumping off, crossing sides

Jumps and attacks and hides

It's a race against time,

A gloomy struggle all-day

As the predicament shook me to the core

It's a dreadful dream, a nightmare

That I battle every day and more

Heat or cold, the baleful row

Can't thrust me into diabolical shadow,

Behind the darkness of the scare,

Is the sparkling cloud,

And the sun shining bright and so proud. 🌤

Life for me is a challenge to be met with courage. Life is a game of skill with an element of chance. Life comes to a standstill if you give up hope. The power of volition originating from the energy of creation residing inside us made us move onward in small steps and little by little without thinking about the future or what may come tomorrow we advanced without stopping, without crying, thus like every life from desiring to live making tough decisions I fought on. 

I am not a  woman who views the world with disappointed eyes, who subconsciously feels she has missed something which means in the point of fact she has missed everything. I love life and want to live at full throttle and jumped ahead with zeal. Not being a quitter I do a lot of things with gusto.

I still dare to change the things I can,

I resuscitate ceaselessly,

I wage wars with verve

In a point of no return

Yes, a Warrior Princess I am. 🌬

Like Asterix and Obelix travelling the untrodden track, I jest with Mum about the crazy Romans we met in our lives.

I make my own roads, 

Every stone on the way has a significance, 

If I trip I gain more experience, 

My remembrance

Helps me to use my diligence, 

To make my road better. 

To tackle my sorrow, 

So that my eyes don't get wetter, 

Thus building a brighter tomorrow. 

Without a hurt, without a tear, 

Without pain, without fear, 

Without despair, 

Where everyone will care for each other, 

Angst and pain will disappear. 

Everyone will love one another. 

A Warrior fights the battle of life ---all its dreadful possibilities without a whit of fear without thinking that it’s unfair. Before we are inevitably visited by death and thrust to total chaos a warrior’s mind gracefully dances to the rhythm of the music of creation and life. Thus, A Warrior Dies Dancing, That’s Who I Am… The upshot is life belongs to us but we belong to death meanwhile dance away the time you get.

Life should be lived in every moment, smiling on the face of adversity because we don't know when the moment of death would come. Life has to be wonderful and startling so that you are remembered for your hopefulness, not for your funk.

 I have my very own ishta devata(favourite God) to whom I pray from inside my room every day and he provides the strength to fight. I have fought through many wars but I have never abandoned science. I have always treasured every moment as if this was my last and fought on. 

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive to breathe, to think, to enjoy being alive so please don't keep wringing your hands.

The happiness of our heart is the thing to be considered before anything else and I am sure it would turn out wonderfully in the end.

Because I have known despair, I value hope

I take life as it comes, and although I grumble a great deal with mum and refuse to eat my mashed supper, I find that taking life as it comes is the only way to meet it. It isn't a very satisfactory way, but it is the only way. A ne'er-do-well never wins.

I was given a one-way ticket to this world but we could have got the life of a vermin- a mere bug being crushed under the feet or not having enough intellect to enjoy the sun poking its adorable head from behind a cloud…the star-studded clear blue night sky… or the grand sound of the thunder and with it the soul waking up or watch the iridescent play of colours of the rainbow.

Whatever preys on your mind but never give up! People tend to complicate their own lives as if living wasn't complicated enough! Wild optimism will always keep you afloat, that's how life works.

Life can be upsetting and quite difficult at times. It can just drain all your energy without giving any handrail to hold. While no one ever promised that life would be easy, many of us were often unprepared for just how hard things could get. When we suffer getting through the tough times in life, it can seem like something we won’t ever be able to achieve stability … How are we supposed to overcome and handle life’s many storms?

Dig in your heels and get a handle on some of your wilder behaviour.

"Zendagi migzara"...life goes on. A person can do a lot of things when his life is at stake rather than getting swallowed into the black hole of nothingness.

When I was born there were astrologers prophesying misfortune, forewarned trouble to my health and alerted of terrible disasters about to come which none of my parents in their senses wanted to know but the inevitable transpired in due time.

‘No,’ I told myself. ‘That’s just too weird.’ when my series of surgeries didn't stop, my father perished or we faced shocking poverty.

We can only feel sorry for ourselves when our misfortunes are supportable, once the limit is crossed, the only way to bear the unbearable is with laughter. What is laughter? Every situation offers an opportunity for a laugh, giggle, chuckle. It is a great wonder the world which is so large can seem so frightfully charming, albeit damn fascinating, everything about the universe is magic!

Inception to entropy

We are part of the cosmos

And cosmos in us

We are the stardust

One lifetime is not enough to cherish the various mysteries of the cosmos of which we are a precious and significant part…

Living in a lousy cramped house I faced many acts of kindness,  many acts of madness but didn't flop down to the bottom. Itching or scratching diseases have solid attention of the government and the public but in my case, many vociferous suggestions, whispering advice came to me disapproving my smiling visage. They mistook and forego using their or her own brain in favour of trusting someone else’s dubious opinion, applying logic to otherwise illogical situations.

The mysteries of the human soul can josh you, annoy you but you learn to start living instead of merely existing. With a cruel effort of will heave, yourself up to "don't be chicken-hearted", "don't scare easily" situation. Life is what you make of it. It's always when you think you have enough determination victory is yours. Thinking " Alone, alone, alone terribly alone" is not fruitful because God has made you presumably with some good end in mind and is watching over you. There's no turning back. ‎"Selume Proferre"- towards the light, as you live you learn… under the whims of fortune, the wreckage of your life will be refurbished in time.

 Change is sometimes necessary, it puts focus on life infusing it with creativity with the inflow of fabulous ideas, reaching the fullest flower of intelligence, personality and pluck. Then life feels like heaven when you put a stop to your expectations. The problem is, it becomes hell when there's no hope, but I am addicted to hope and hope sustains me. Hopaholic is my other name.

When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness, theft was the one unforgivable sin, killing is an irreversible, irretrievable, unpardonable sin even if it happens to be your own life. When you don't have the power to create life you don't have the right to take one.

Jaded sky smiles wanly

Moon floating with the clouds

Hope stands tiptoe kissing sky

--Payel Bhattacharya

The recent pandemic has brought a lot of anxiety and uncertainty in our everyday lives and feels like life has thrown a punch at us but we have the power to make our lives turn around because there’s still so much more to accomplish, and success beyond your wildest dreams. Finding the love of God, understanding the power of God delighted me; although I need a stick to walk I could see in my mind’s eye I am on top of the world with my mother dancing to the tune of ‘ The Carpenters’…

Such a feelin’s comin’ over me
There is wonder in ‘most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes
And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream

Man! Thou art marvellous curiosity! In my leaky raft, I muse ye!

Courage-cowardice-ferocity,

Gentleness-fairness-magnanimity,

Justice-cunning-cruelty,

Sweetness-truthfulness-nobility,

Selfishness-lust-malignity,

Love-hate-falsity,

Mercy-pity-purity,

Man! Thou art marvellous curiosity!

 

In the kingdom of partially blind,

A prisoner of reality,

Trapped in the daily grind,

With high hope-desire cackling with glee,

In my leaky raft, I muse ye!

I and Mr Moaner are not the same people. Yet Mr Chieftain doesn't understand this, not only he doesn't realize it but he has forgotten about my existence.

Yet how can I blame him? Who am I? A mere nobody? Nobody has named me… I have named myself, I have named myself as 'Warrior Princess' because I have chosen to fight and not sigh and not cry.

As you learn to control life it becomes joyful. We all know charity begins at home.

These days people understand only their own troubles and see their own perspectives. Soft-brained, weak-minded, chicken-hearted people get the best attention whereas a warrior is like an elephant in the room like something everyone is aware of, but which is being ignored because everybody finds discussion about it uncomfortable.

Everywhere there's some chaos and uproar but everyone is leading a filthy life never cleaning up the dust settling in layers. With a few dead trees surrounding their lives, every single person seems to be the mirror image of the other, living in a mixture of the garbage but calling themselves aficionados of life. I ask you, My Lord, what do they perceive life is? I think for life and lust are synonymous. Everyone has a similar hobby, that of collecting money.

What do I need? Money? To fight through the hazards of life you need money. When malady strikes, your life becomes a tale of courage in the face of endless circumstances and the distressing horror, banknotes resuscitate you. Therefore money can buy life for me.

Money under most circumstances can't buy peace and happiness for you. Your Creator will provide just as much as you need for your own personal sustenance because that is what you deserve, asking for more is being greedy and is a punishable offence. We find everyone running after fame, prosperity, wealth and power which results in daily indigestion and therefore they have built gyms in their premises to work out, not just to build eight-packs by shedding out the extra fat but to get rid of menacing indigestion and get a peaceful night's sleep which seems to elude them always.

Our scriptures say

• Do your duty, but do not concern yourself with the results.

• The fruits of your actions are not for your enjoyment.

• Even while working, give up the pride of doership.

• Do not be attached to inaction.

But people are different these days before doing their duty they are concerned and whining about the effort they have to put in, they desire to bask in the glory of their deeds which makes them choosy... which duty to do… which will fetch them the attention of the world and they take substantial pride in doing something which gives birth to dignity and significance. Sometimes doing hard work which wouldn't fetch money and fame leads to inaction.

While trying to get kind attention of the administration, you will be surprised at what you had learnt in school as the definition of a Republic...of the people, by the people, for the people. It ought to be interpreted as far off the people, buy the people. Far off the people is a building where there is a roomful of people wearing elegant clothing with different beliefs.  They have one belief though, to buy the people by doing deeds which would fetch more votes. 

As for the people, there is a genuine gentlemanly problem...you'd find them supervising fundraising activity with hands placed on hips when a house got partially burnt due to the faults of the residents who were careless while burning prohibited crackers or helping people with fashionable diseases in the modern world and supporting those on a mass scale to get media attention. I am afraid the differentiation between diseases, comparison of lives will stop when pigs fly.

The creation of Man is supposed to be God's best job, greater than the animals with morals and principals but they have turned out to be leaders in their dominions and its authority which is supreme and impregnable. They practice killing weaker animals and are selfish by nature. They are the most miserable creation who only care about themselves. 

O' God! I might have been born on the wrong realm! Where the society is lacking compassion with a wicked bent. I berate those with a bitter disposition. They barely try to feel the outer cover and judge by how you look without knowing about the insides...the insides that have been cut off or removed or bruised…. they light a candle of hope but put it out by abandoning you because it won't gain them money and fame. 

O' Lord, the world is so delightful but I understand the law of this nature is the Law of God. Man cannot disobey it. Is it why you are bringing the disasters? Would they lead to annihilation?

I pray to Almighty,

So that I can ignore all these trivial, 

Creations  plagued by day-to-day insensibility, 

Give me strength that I can proceed along with,

Head held high, 

O' Lord, I keep my head upon thy feet,

I never sigh,

And get by.

The Night Skullduggery - Mr Brain vs Mr Body

Mr Brain whirred with activity as electrical charge pulsing at a constant rate travelled along through his connections and pathways. A red signal blinked and tumult of white noise in sharp short bursts sounded. He shook his head ruefully and called out, 

" Why I find a queer sort of stillness which I can't associate with such moments, there's often a lot of cheery clamours, albeit with some turbulence as you folks attack the delicious and succulent food which marches in and it wakes me up every time I nestle in for a peaceful, dreamless, pellucid sleep."

  Thirty-two teeth mumbled and muttered amongst themselves and hollered out at his meanness of spirit and heartlessness bracing against their pain.

With an undisguised lack of enthusiasm, in a sombre mood, with 

deepish thought, Mr Brain plucked up his nerve and responded, 

"I understand your suffering but there are several bumps growing inside me and the cords are getting entangled, firing off sporadic pulses of electricity causing your distress. But what can I do? The service providing units have become slaves of banknotes, where strategies and solutions have become a piece of commodity as their business flourish and repairmen, as they are called these days, practice under the spell of riches. Even their machines are selfish. There is a "high-tech" lack of humanity and generosity in this money-driven world, even kindness has a price tag."

With a mixture of awe, respect  and scepticism blistered Mr Tongue told,

" B-but I am getting puffy with every passing day! Bulges are appearing on my surface and they are v-very agonizing causing delayed and abnormal movement."

The left eye said with adorable submission, 

"I can notice conscious constipation, of honesty in the world!"

Mr Stomach? Always a good one to rumble. He growled,

 " Well don't forget about the pressure building inside me! The hissing of wind inside me blowing out in a tiny 'Ph-utt '  all because Mr Liver and Mr Pancreas don't work in tandem!"

"Gawd!" Mr Nose screeched " You call that foul-smelling reeking fumes as tiny Ph-utt! Heaven, it's a torture to bear the stench!"

Me Liver and Mr Pancreas interrupted, " Don't blame us! In pleasure and pain, in happiness and suffering, we are the best of buddies and we work as a team always."Mr  Pancreas jumped and hugged Mr Liver fiercely.

" Well, well, well. All I see is brilliance, bravado and brio, yet we don't have a proper security system!" said Mr Lungs

"Don't talk nonsense! When the momentous thing happened, swamping us and hushing us was the decision of the general management." said the lymphocytes with righteous indignation.

Mr Skin and the lymph nodes whined: " Don't blame us for any onslaught by aliens doing any swindling, forgery, larceny, robbery, thievery, trickery, jiggery-pokery, hanky-panky, plundering, looting, sacking, misappropriation, spoliation, embezzlement."

In the face of these relentlessly dispiriting surroundings with formless rage and misery, Mr Liver said with winning gentleness,

"It's disconcerting to hear that in the climactic juncture despite the meanest, greediest, cruellest backstabbing penny-pinching bastards I got myself settled in your network so that the system doesn't stop working when the original member was bruised and succumbing. I got myself attached to you all. In the face of the crisis and to heal and keep me working the decision was taken. I assume you understand it's not fantasy, but reality. I would always feel under many obligations to you folks." He terminated his dialogue with impressive earnestness and sincerity.

Mr Parathyroid looked at him with a cold gaze of private recollection.

" I stopped being functional after the exploitation, I can't suck up nutrients and breathe life into Mr Brain who helps in the sustenance of all the members of the system," he said with suffocating control.

Dreaming endless thoughtless dreams Mr Brain said it's funny for relieving my ague, I need technology and to shell out a hefty sum and rolled his eyes. 

A terrible thing has just happened to Mr Kidney, and naturally, his rage has exploded on those nearest him and that's how life worked.

"Nobody is thinking about me!" with a sharp edge to his voice disengaged from the agonizing present added Mr Kidney.

"I might have to suppose that they would feel some compunction at robbing, maltreating and mistrusting us. Their hard and selfish nature ought to trouble their souls," said Mr Brain with a perpetual bitterness about the world's unawareness of their worth.

"We are all in the same wavelength" cried all with a mercurial temper.

A faded warm glow started taking various shapes and somewhere from the other dimension and a booming voice sounded, 

" I find this humorous querulousness about money a very gloomy conversation. I admit that money isn't everything, but you can't do anything without it that's for sure. You are the do-gooders in the system even though placed in a precarious position. You are inspired by the determination and not frustration in your unceasing struggle. I know what is happening is indescribably bad but don't forget that unselfish honest deed which glorifies life itself!

A trade-mark of small minds; a property of all small minds is jealousy and wickedness, helping those where there is vested interest yet it is a property which even the smallest is ashamed of, and when accused of its possession will lyingly deny it and resent the accusation as an insult which is a laudable performance. It's downright comical that with bumps blossoming inside him, Mr Brain has the intelligence and single-minded determination to challenge the repairmen and not treat their words as Gospel.

There was a little cat,

And she caught a little rat,

Which she dutifully rendered to her mother,

Who said "Bake him in a pie,

For his flavour's rather high---

Or confer him on the poor, if you'd druther… you all know these precious words of Mark Twain. 

 Not taking money for a favour. Then do the same for somebody that way it goes around the world. This leads to the heaven of joy and happiness.

After these words, the changing shapes paled into insignificance.

Every member shouted, " Who are you? Identify yourself."

A distant voice sounded, 

" I am Mr Mind, I reside in Mr Brain but I'm different. You have a one-way ticket to the world. Make sure it's a valiant fight to establish your existence."

I woke up with a start wondering what was going inside my head. It seemed as vague and hazy as something that had happened in a dream...yet a flash of insight, very subtle and fleeting told me there is someone else who has appeared in my dream who had skillfully stopped me from crumbling down and boosted my courage.