Purpose of life

 

Sometimes I wonder what's the purpose of life after all the suffering I endured since my birth? Mum makes me realize I am chosen for this journey and I should survive and bring it to completion.

To the imagination of the child, granny-tyranny seemed to look like a glaring powerfully built buzzard ready to pounce on me telling me 

“You're looking alright so why do I pretend to be unwell?” 

No one could discern my inner state. It wasn't just a fabrication of the imagination of a child but it's true that all uncaring, heartless, cruel creatures of my orthodox family hardly realized my pain. 

 I was so troubled and uneasy by their remarks that when guests came, I used to enter the drawing-room by the back door to avoid those cold-hard piercing eyes which seemed to take in every detail at a glance and sneer at me. 

Since birth, all I can see is struggle even before I came to the planet.

My mother is a different being altogether.

As she got pregnant, She was subjected to cruelty and ruthlessness by aunt and granny-tyranny. They used to make my mother do heavy jobs while she was carrying her first child and she had a miscarriage.

 When I was in her womb she was again subjected to heavy jobs in the kitchen. Mother had developed certain problems with her pregnancy. She worked too hard to bring me into the earth. She cares for me like no one. She used to play with me.

It was never fun for me growing up. It's quite true people say "Prosperity gains friends, adversity tries them". I never had a friend and because no one would like to socialize or go out with a limping girl.

After my brain tumor surgery, I was diagnosed with tumors compressing and displacing hepatic veins, hemorrhaging inside so that I needed a liver transplant and my relatives thought of not giving money because they have sold the portion of the property allotted to us to the South Indian Singer Didi, not even the money in the bank and the jewelry according to the will because they wanted to swat me out of their way.

 The friends and relatives who used to drop in at odd times often to enjoy, especially the one whom father took to Manali for some refreshment went their own way. Few became busy with finding a groom, others just avoided.

Fie, I say! They only knew money.

In an escalating crisis, divine intervention gave me a new lease of life through a liver transplant but turned off my reliable troops, my immune system so that the organ isn't rejected.

The pharmaceutical marvel made my already bankrupted father take loans as his family denied paying the assets he deserved. His heart was 80% blocked, and he skipped his medicines to provide mine. 

One day he had a heart attack while lying down and thinking and

passed away immediately without any struggle.

He didn't get a proper cremation or funeral rites, I believe he died with the wish of saving his daughter and is somewhere around me saving me from the risky surgeries time and again.

Since then we have changed seven rented houses. Landlords look good enough in the beginning but then they show their true colors because money has its charisma. No matter how much they say we pray for you but money tempts.

Mum never gave up on her child even when I went through surgeries upon surgeries, she arranged everything herself, ran to an apothecary or an NGO to get help. Sometimes the doctor said, "Everything is in God's hands".

With her, I have been worthy, cheerful, good-natured, and sociable and had many adventures, all in our imagination which desired constant improvement. She soothed and sweetened my painful life.

After being partially blind, due to the awesome, rare brain tumors floating in the CSF, my heart didn't sink, I didn't feel dazed. Even if I was told that I have a few months to live. 

When her child is suffering and struggling to stay alive...mother-daughter shared our experiences with the wonderful doctors we met, and the bad doctors but didn't treat their words like Gospels. In my journey of research the role of social media, the internet, helped and Mum assumed the role of caregiver, and I did my self-advocacy. A doctor and a journalist bullied me. But after completing their medical degrees do they plunge into the world of unique diseases, keep themselves updated, keep track of all those maladies?

I keep myself well-informed so that I don't fall into the wrong hands. I love learning and gaining knowledge which brought in understanding, comprehension, a better grasp of my bizarre diseases, not to be afraid of death or lead an unlived life like a zombie.  Because in the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. Live life to the fullest and try bringing color to my life. I feel alive, not just breathing.

 I carried on my normal activities. I wrote books, alas someone stole one of my intellectual property while I wrote it in the peak of stabbing, stubborn pain and it is a serious matter.

Your brain will literally change in chemical composition when you understand the monstrosity and the oddity of your disgraceful lingering illness. It has larger economic implications unless you are filthy rich. When in poverty, you face medical embarrassments, the humiliation of asking for financial help, physical suffering, money concerns but you mustn't feel fear and tedium of dying. Treasure every moment because life is too short and if anyone comments medical care has become an impossible burden, do some exploring and show them a picture of their “Standard of living.” They ought to raise their "Standard of giving".

I am a survivor, I lost my faith, belief in whom to believe in.

I never sought sympathy, I still seek recognition… tangible trail left after I am gone. I pity them who provide me with sympathy like recently an English teacher said " O, I have sympathy for the 'girl'...Nobody called me 'the girl' before.  Sympathy is feeling sorrowful, pitiful about somebody's misfortune whereas Empathy is the ability to understand their feelings as if we were having that ourselves, facing the troubles ourselves. 

Do I cry, do I end my life for this? I have suicide disease and many suicides have happened pretty recently. But I respect life.

Although I wrote the book at the peak of my pain with one-eyed vision and the rarest brain tumors in the world...leptomeningeal hemangioblastomas ...between 1902 and 2013, approximately 132 cases were reported...Ga-DOTANOC PET-CT based SSTR imaging because VHL syndrome associated hemangioblastomas frequently express SSTR confirmed the true nature could be seen and the diagnosis. 

Initially, I was delighted to receive an email,

 "I have been running the institute in Noida and Indirapuram for last 10 years...By profession, i m a teacher and have taught English language in renowned Institutes of saharanpur and dehradun...I m also a certified IELTS  trainer from British Council..My qualification is M.A Eng, M.A economics, B.Ed and Diploma in creative writing .

Regards

Mrs.Monika Thakur

CMC2, 702,Supertech, Capetown, sector 74,Noida

9718805105"----- Although the English in the email wasn't up to the mark of a teacher I was cheered.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up. I thought she was a kind woman before she showed her true colors and it hurt me so much.

Later she said she's taken the printable pdf and circulating and selling it to his students without me giving it. She never even bought the book from me and is now profiting from it.

She's selling it through Google and Google won't remove or won't do anything about it.

This is how I am stuck in bureaucracy. I never enjoyed a good life.

Like my relatives, they have forgotten that the purpose of human life is to show compassion and the will to help others. We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane.

Do your little bit of goodness, it's those little bits put together with kindness that brings out the Sun.

The center of gravity of my life is my mother who tried everything to keep me moving and still in the morning in her prayers cries because only she can feel my pain. My pain in swallowing, pain in talking vanishes. She feeds me puree of nutritious food but I have lost 10 kg in a few months.

Pleasures and indulgences of life aren't everything. Humans have a natural desire to have more good things than he needs. Understanding my views on life, I tried establishing friendly relations with three people but they blocked me on WhatsApp! Because death like a candle snuffer will extinguish the light of my life soon if I don't get proper treatment.

I always try to ignore the disagreeable moods of people I encounter. There will be more pain, agony, more torture if we remember how we were thrust into extreme poverty and we were penniless and had no idea if we would get food the next day.

“Someday we will die, but on all other days we will not!” We must enjoy life, every moment of it. Death will put an end to everything but facing several life-threatening surgeries, especially the liver transplant made my spirit wake up and lead a life resisting death knowing each moment might be the last ….and never brooding about my plight. It is true that as one hovers between life and death, life becomes increasingly tiresome but if you are cheerful and never down-hearted it helps the doctors too.

Live life to the fullest. Shedding futile tears, and wiping them, shucking away those pointless thoughts without any dilemma I have delved inside life to get to its treasure trove. It’s now that I can understand the value of human life and can feel the consequences of those moments that she had lost groaning which will never come back. No matter how much we wish to go back and relive an event or a happy moment or eradicate a sad moment that is never going to happen. So, live at this moment, don’t lose it. This time, this season will never be back.

Death stalks all of us upon this planet! Nevertheless, had it not been for the confusion of the struggle I would have been circumscribed by short boundaries of my pain and suffering squealing with fright.

Courage is being brave when facing new or difficult circumstances, such as Trigeminal neuralgia.

Like every other lady Everywhere there is a glimmer of hope. Hand-holding fantasies are not there in my life, words to uplift, encourage, strengthen, and inspire are in the dreamland. Thinking about mountains that reach to the sky, cities with a home where you don't have to pay rent, no need for a landlord, but when you realize why you are fighting multiple rare diseases you don't compare yourself to anyone whom you knew because you heal sooner.

What is the purpose of life, the meaning of life is empathy---the ability to share and understand another person's feelings. Compassion is empathy for and desire to help another.

What will happen if we choose to ignore others who need help? There will be peril in the world world, helping others to those who need without any discrimination makes people believe there is goodness in the world.

What happens when life starts throwing the unknown daggers at you? Your goodness or your parents' deeds save you.

This is the pain but I am a mermaid without tears. You can't assume me spineless in the first place, I dare to speak because I have nothing to lose.  I want my tangible trace to exist after I am gone.

 There's really a good chance of getting old with silver hairs if my venerable disease gets an opportunity for good treatment, my potentials are realized.

So I enjoy every moment of life because little birds sing on the leafy branches, warm bright sunshine light-up the cloudless sky and I love my life with my wonderful mum.

I stood on the mountaintop and spoke to a few birds flying high to teach me flying… I will fly highest and beat all, I was born to fly high, take in the pure air of the mountains amongst the mists.