When lightening strikes!

 

I have a long glorious history of serious illnesses because of my entry into the world at the wrong time. I have led a notably psychedelic life and I confess that I was both puzzled and fascinated. I can’t say it wasn’t without strife because, in the beginning, it felt ghostly and here I will talk about one such ghostly ailment.

It was a warm October morning and I was in a merry mood having a good time because of the approaching Durga Pujas. I always try to make most of the time with my mother. The season is very inviting and makes us happy and less anxious. I sat down with a book determined to enjoy it thoroughly but suddenly out of the blue something zapped across my right eye. The jolt of lightening appeared repeatedly. It lasted for a few seconds to a few minutes but it was difficult to keep my right eye open. This continued for the next few days but the pain was gone as abruptly as it appeared. I underwent an MRI scan and it confirmed the diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia.

In trigeminal neuralgia (TN), the trigeminal nerve's function is disrupted. It is the most excruciating pain known to humanity-- this intense, stabbing, electric shock-like pain is caused by irritation of the trigeminal nerve, which sends branches to the forehead, cheek and jaw. Sometimes called the suicide disease. Bilateral presentation is rare. 

Pharmaceutical science has medications to control the pain.

O’ I am in pain, tell me if there is any magical potion?”

The medical man put his attention,

Found a vessel pressing a nerve in the brain.

Leading to spasms of intense pain.

Stabbing pain, eyes tear,

Foggy vision, colours faded, 

The sky is blue

Is it true?

I feel light-headed.

Trigeminal neuralgia can make me constantly frown,

But doesn’t have the nerve to put my spirits down.

I scowl in vexation.

 

I was initially put on medicine but it mostly didn’t contain the pain. I had fleeting jabbing pain which would fade away,  at the most in a few hours. Pulses of electricity travelled through my cheeks. Doctors upped and upped my dosage but I was not satisfied.

I went somewhere else for consultation on less invasive procedures because the treating doctors were telling the haunting medical lore the melancholia of which was that Microvascular decompression (MVD) surgery is the only hope and while doing so they'd do a biopsy of my leptomeningeal hemangioblastomas not caring about the drastic and dramatic effect, not considering the highly vascular nature of the tumours---that they are richly supplied with blood vessels. A biopsy would make them bleed resulting in a stroke. After my first brain tumour surgery, done in 2006 I woke up with paralysis on the left side. After the craniotomy ( open brain surgery) I experienced total numbness in my arms and hands and I couldn't close my fingers and make a fist. But this was sorted out by proper physiotherapy and exercise and I got back the control of my limbs but even now I don't have sensations in my fingertips. Looking at tumour cells in the cerebrospinal fluid under high-resolution MRI scans are all that is necessary for an accurate diagnosis. A biopsy isn't required for diagnosis as it may cause meningitis and blood loss thereby cell spillage.

There it was confirmed by the doctor that the left-hand side pain which is milder than the right-hand side is also due to trigeminal neuralgia. Thus I have a bilateral manifestation of trigeminal neuralgia. The trigeminal nerve has three branches: ophthalmic, maxillary, and mandibular. According to the doctor it is rarely seen that bilateral trigeminal neuralgia with pain in all three branches on both sides.

I revisited the neurologist who previously diagnosed it. A new medicine was added to my list of medicines. I asked him that if it's true I had bilateral trigeminal neuralgia...he gave a knowing wink and said but the pain in the left side is milder...why should he hide it from me? Who is he to decide the intensity of my pain? Mistaking the pain in the jaw for a dental pain I sought the help of a dentist. Because of my low immunity, I acquired some infection and got 105F fever. I wouldn't have suffered if he hadn't held back the truth from me.

But the major thing that happened after the medicine was added was my BP plunged down. I have tachycardia and high BP most of the time. I take medicine for that. I stopped the medicine and drank lots of fluids but to no avail. Doctors persisted in their decision of choice of medicine... He kept commanding in a military-like way that I have to take those medicines and my only respite from the overwhelming pain is the MVD surgery. It was because of that stubbornness that I ended up vomiting the entire night losing three kilos in the process.

I never knew how to cry because I was born without the vital emotion fear but when Trigeminal Neuralgia attacked me

Irrepressible pain

Gloom hysteria

I am Trigeminal Neuralgia

Daggers stab eyes 

Shedding tear

Sending a wave of fear 

I learnt to cry as a jabbing pain as if a live electric cable was held against her eyes, cheeks, jaw and teeth.

A bolt of pain shot up the face,

Reached the farthest limit,

With disdain without grace,

Sneaking into the throat,

As quiet as a mouse

Huddling behind the ear,

Pulsating in the mouth,

Strange tic

Distorting face so quick, 

Drilling teeth, eye swelling,

Making it tormented house,

 A bedistressful dwelling--

Jumping off, crossing sides

Jumps and attacks and hides

It's a race against time,

A gloomy struggle all-day

As the predicament shook me to the core

It's a dreadful dream, a nightmare

That I battle every day and more

Heat or cold, the baleful row

Can't thrust me into diabolical shadow,

Behind the darkness of the scare,

Is the sparkling cloud,

And the sun shining bright and so proud. 

My heart stopped jumping with joy, enjoying the elixir of life and as I learnt to shed tears of wicked pain hugging my mother at night when the soul screamed out with the agony and howling in pain. I hugged my mother and muttered and cried as a bolt of lightning right out of nowhere started me hitting again and again.

All my life I have kept looking for hope. I have undergone countless surgeries including cancer and liver transplant and a few life-threatening ones but I have never stopped hoping. Hope sustains us. I got this hope from Mumbai who said he could definitely treat me by cyberknife radiosurgery. 

I applied to many trusts one said it's done but rejected at the last moment with words that  "it is too expensive", next one just denied that there are many genuine cases waiting and the other one said they had helped me earlier but they have now started helping children.

I got support and kindness and the cyberknife of the right side-- the most painful side happened and we returned in time just before the covid19 lockdown. The nerve was shot with a high dosage of radiation to destroy it. But the pain in the left side remains as the left side is still pending. Also, there is trouble swallowing, stabbing in the throat bumps in the tongue which I can't figure out.

Now the left side hurts such that I can't smile, let alone talk. I mostly feel paingry.

I feel I can predict the weather better than the weatherman.

I'm afraid that the road looks longer

I choke on all the words which I never let reach my lips

Mum only can  feel the pain it inflicts

In my madness

With her calmness

She lends me her ear

Putting meaning in my meaningless life

Ward off my silliest fear

Her unconditional love

Her smile makes the journey worthwhile

Never let me break down and cry

I shall  stay strong because the road is long

Aye, we'd reach together by sunset.

There is a concern that immunocompromised patients are at a greater risk of morbidity and mortality due to COVID-19 infection, although data on liver transplant patients is limited at present. Post-transplant patients are advised to avoid hospital visits and use telemedicine thus we are prisoners in our own home until it is safe outside.

The pandemic has forced a delay in the treatment of my chronic illness. Due to the unpreparedness of such a sudden event and not maintaining social distancing, during the lockdown and not wearing a mask it has spread. Now it's difficult to handle it until a genuine vaccine is developed. This way many educated people have put the lives of the vulnerable in jeopardy and many are suffering but I don't know if there is anyone like me, immunocompromised and with lung damage because of MDR-TB and getting lancinating pain due to Trigeminal neuralgia. Wearing a mask isn't painful and has any discomfort but it says that I care about everyone. 

The mind is a powerful weapon they say, 

Knowledge is the mainstay.

As the catastrophe happened, 

Educate the public and allay fear, 

Alleviate the gloom of doom.

Prepare, be aware,

Avoid public places, 

Refrain touching faces, 

Stay clear,

Life is not unfair,

Soon days will be brightened. 

In jeopardy  may humans stand,

But by maintaining distance,

Not travelling to any distant land;

Ensuring safety of the vulnerable, 

Being responsible, together we stand. 

Isolation is not perdition.

Not being utterly hopeless,

But being fearless,

Facing rigidly in calmness

Can bring the nemesis of pathogenesis.

The sinister brute would cast off its crown,

As time frown,

Monsters, cruel, fierce and base;

Causing deaths of life-forms in a brief time,

Would decay and fall,

Die a death approved by all.

Freedom and independence

Complete freedom is abstract, existing only in the mind. On 15 August 1947, the first Prime Minister of India, Jawaharlal Nehru raised the Indian national flag above the Lahori Gate of the Red Fort in Delhi. Politicians and pedagogues hailed the intellectual speech as a declaration of independence. 

Meanwhile, seventy- three years have passed, the country and the country-men, faced peril several times in many ways jeopardizing their rights to existence.

On the one hand, there are scientific achievements Mangalyaan and

Chandrayaan.  

Women have triumphed over many fields-- from setting a medical example to a lawyer with principles, being a pilot to being a cab-driver; females have conquered plenty of fields, on the other hand, there are still enormous gaps in thoughts, prejudices and discriminations exist.

In our everyday lives, we say "Motherland". To defend the honour of our Motherland we lay down our lives at the border against the enemy.

 Feminine energy is the spirit of the universe. Creating all matter and consciousness, the eternal and infinite, the metaphysical and reality, the soul, of everything.

It pains me to set down the inconvenient and blushful facts. We should have evolved with education from patriarchal ways of the past. 

Women symbolize national honour, thus any act that defiles and violates women’s bodies becomes a political weapon. The one nationwide uproar, the ebb and flow of decisiveness and aggression happened once but who cares about a woman walking her dog during the pandemic in a side lane where there were hyenas waiting in a car for her arrival to jump her. She was lucky enough to run back to the community. There is no doubt safety in many forms is lacking in our lives.

Women play many roles in her lifetime from daughterhood to motherhood many bonds bind a woman with her relations but it's trifle disturbing that everyone isn't plucky against the savagery. But many of them are exploited after marriage. Their potentials and qualities are scarcely recognised.

Government of the people by the people for the people does not treat people equally.

 I came across a news article titled " Should State pay for treatment of rare diseases?"

Which speaks about should the government pay for the treatment of rare diseases? Well, I spoke to the advocate mentioned in the news article. She said she is appointed by the court to help the court decide this matter. 

According to her in absence of government policy, the court has stepped in to provide treatment to only lysosomal storage disorder patients. She explained how the law has developed, and the rare diseases are handled in court so far are only lysosomal storage disorders.

The government can procure medicines but not where there is a need for surgery or advanced technology to deal with a disease. Who is to pay for it?

   I muse, why so? Is that because someone related to the government has those conditions? Why not? 

Private hospitals are like service provider units just like shops where operation, consultation, and treatment are the commodity. They run their own business by servicing your body parts.

The name of my disease sounds euphoric and when you start explaining it resembles deadly babble where the prognosis is like a psychic scream. The oddity of my lingering illness is it's larger economic implications unless you are filthy rich. 

According to my experience government hospitals are breeding-ground for germs, bacteria and viruses and being immunocompromised, seeking treatment in government hospitals is welcoming a death sentence. 

Moreover, the treatment usually involves surgery to remove the tumours before they become harmful. Certain tumours can be treated with focused high-dose irradiation. Individuals with VHL and organ transplant need careful monitoring by a physician familiar with the disorder to control the plethora of illnesses that organ transplants and VHL affliction brings. I can't leave the doctors familiar with my case.

All which is needed to lengthen the period and quality of life is a good doctor who is thinking about your health and happiness and not treating you like a guinea pig and not working for his own good and fame. I got the opportunity to choose between good and better doctors four times in my life. VHL being a genetic form of cancer patients need to battle a series of tumours throughout their life. But I have known patients who couldn't face it after two surgeries. Businessmen with family support have survived but I have survived only with my mother's mettle and might. Few friends and well-wishers come but,

Prettify, nor falsify no one,
They are but for a season,
Gathered to escort the lost one,
By way of cosmic expression.

I have shucked off the label of “victim” and acquired the title of “warrior princess” and while I strolled down the street of life as each year unfolded I realised we have been given just one life, one existence and it's the way you live your life that makes you remembered. I don't know if there is an afterlife, but if there is I'd love to be born again until then it's a myth and will walk this life till the end of my time and craft out a story about my existence that will last.

But all I have to say is that everyone is not born warrior or fearless to weather the storm. Many times I come across people how I faced so many surgeries or how I accept it, I feel do I have any choice? I think that I experienced horrors that would give most people nightmares for life but the thing is if you face serious issues from a younger age you don't cringe inside or give up on life. The older you get without ever having a real problem you don't know how to handle it. Starting early gives you a perspective if you don't die first.

Life is a game of chance;

Granted once;

Grow and live vibrantly not in a trance,

Soul dance​,

Immense will billow like a towering tsunami;

Summon up the courage to live life once.

The society with its decayed discriminations and meanness of spirit should change its thoughts and attitudes,  improve it, set it right where it was wrong. The theme of the doctor’s bill should inevitably change.

The meanest, greediest, cruellest, lustful understand only their own troubles and see their own perspectives. Everywhere there's some chaos and uproar but everyone is leading a filthy life never cleaning up the dust settling in layers.  With a few dead trees surrounding their lives, every single person seems to be the mirror image of the other, living in a mixture of the garbage but calling themselves aficionados of life. I ask you, My Lord, what do they perceive life is? I think for life and lust are synonymous.

Progress is a matter of intent and foresight, if everyone is granted their rights, and treated equally then will come true freedom and independence.

Understanding the science behind rare brain tumour – leptomeningeal hemangioblastomas

 Brain tumours grow within a rigid, firm bony skull. Benign, slowly growing or malignant brain tumours may produce serious neurological symptoms and signs prior to treatment or cure. Although brain tumours rarely metastasize outside the central nervous system (CNS), disability and death occur with brain tumours when the intracranial contents exceed the intracranial space, causing herniation and compression of respiratory centres.

Fewer than 5% of patients with brain tumours have a predisposing genetic syndrome. The most common of these are von Recklinghausen's types I and II neurofibromatosis, tuberous sclerosis, von Hippel-Lindau disease, and the epidermal nevus syndrome. These dominantly inherited neurocutaneous syndromes are associated with an increased incidence of specific tumours.

There are more than 120 types of tumours of the CNS.

Neuroepithelial tumours are the most common and feared tumours of adult life and occur most frequently as astrocytoma, oligodendroglioma, and ependymoma.

Leptomeningeal hemangioblastomas are perhaps the rarest sort.

What is a hemangioblastoma?

Hemangioblastomas (HBs) of the central nervous system (CNS) are histologically benign, slow-growing tumours, which may occur as sporadic lesions or in association with von Hippel­Lindau (VHL) disease.

What is von Hippel-Lindau or VHL?

von Hippel Lindau is a very rare disease. 

von Hippel-Lindau or VHL which is a genetic defect that causes capillary growth to go out of control. While the tiniest blood vessels or capillaries usually branch out gracefully like trees, in VHL patients a little knot of extra capillaries forms a growth or tumour and in certain cases, it turns cancerous. It is a genetic form of cancer VHL patients battle a series of tumours throughout their life. 

VHL may occur in up to 10 organs of the body like liver, kidney, brain, spinal cord or retina, inner ear, pancreas, pheochromocytoma, paraganglioma can also happen.

What is the leptomeninges?

Meninges are the three membranous envelopes—pia mater, arachnoid, and dura mater, that surround the brain and spinal cord. Cerebrospinal fluid fills the ventricles of the brain and the space between the pia mater and the arachnoid. The primary function of the meninges and of the cerebrospinal fluid is to protect the central nervous system.

The two innermost layers of tissue, arachnoid mater and pia mater that cover the brain and spinal cord are together called the leptomeninges.

Leptomeningeal dissemination of Hemangioblastomas

Hemangioblastomas of the CNS are solid or cystic vascular-rich tumours, most common in the cerebellum, less frequent in the brainstem or spinal cord and rare in supratentorial locations with meningeal involvement. 

Bakshi et al3 described a 55-year-old patient with disseminated intradural masses involving almost the entire spinal cord on magnetic resonance imaging. They reported both extramedullary intradural tumour with numerous leptomeningeal nodules and microscopic infiltration of the spinal cord and coined the term leptomeningeal hemangioblastomatosis to define this condition.

Hemangioblastomas of the central nervous system are the most common tumours seen in patients with von Hippel-Lindau (VHL) disease.

Leptomeningeal dissemination of hemangioblastomas (HB) of the central nervous system (CNS) is extremely rare. Between 1902 and 2013, approximately 132 cases were reported. Few studies have reported leptomeningeal involvement in sporadic HB or in HB associated with von Hippel­Lindau syndrome.

Diffuse infiltration of the leptomeninges is known as hemangioblastomatosis and has been observed both in VHL disease and in patients with spontaneous mutations. 

Treatment

Detecting and treating the condition of leptomeningeal hemangioblastoma without delay seems to help survival, though the number of patients analysed is small. Patients may have other underlying health issues which may affect the data.

Because no case of de novo development of disseminated HB without previous surgery has been reported, it is strongly suggested that the spillage and spread of tumour cells through the CSF space may be an origin of hemangioblastomatosis in patients with a genetic predisposition to the condition, Care should be taken to avoid tumour cell spillage during surgery.

Prior to surgery of the initial tumour, planned embolization should be undertaken if possible to reduce blood loss. However, depending on the actual tumour structure embolization may be found not to be possible. Reducing blood loss may also help in reducing tumour cell spillage and spread.

 Looking at tumour cells in the spinal fluid under high-resolution MRI scans are all that is necessary for an accurate diagnosis.

When another mass was illegally cultivated on top of the kidney, a Ga-DOTANOC PET-CT based SSTR imaging because VHL syndrome associated hemangioblastomas frequently express SSTR confirmed that the floating lights in the patient's brain are hemangioblastomas. With this, the true nature could be seen and the diagnosis was confirmed.

A biopsy isn't required for diagnosis as it may cause meningitis and blood loss thereby cell spillage. 

My experience with leptomeningeal hemangioblastomas for 7 years? 

I was diagnosed with supranational leptomeningeal hemangioblastomas in 2013. I have been seeking anyone experiencing the same condition but didn't find anyone till now.

A fellow remarked after he saw the picture of the scan of my brain tumours

" you have more tumours in the brain than people have lice in hair.''

There is no data on the competence of the surgeons and equipment used in the initial CNS surgery so trying to determine if cell spread was caused by any incompetence during my brain surgery (craniotomy) in 2006 would be extremely difficult if not impossible to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. The fact that the physiology of each tumour is different and the number of cases is so small means that an accurate comparison of surgeons is impossible. 

These tumours are extremely vascular. A biopsy would make them bleed resulting in a stroke. After my first brain tumour surgery, done in 2006 I woke up with paralysis on the left side. After the craniotomy ( open brain surgery) I experienced total numbness in my arms and hands and I couldn't close my fingers and make a fist. But this was sorted out by proper physiotherapy and exercise and I got back the control of my limbs but even now I don't have sensations in my fingertips.

I get stereotactic radio-surgery before the growing tumours start putting pressure on the brain and become symptomatic. I have lost vision of my right eye for not being able to avail radiation therapy at the right time because of financial reasons and also because  I was diagnosed with an RCC ( kidney cancer) at the same time. 

Advanced radiation techniques, such as radiosurgery, are more effective than conventionally fractionated radiotherapy, but it is difficult to perform high-dose radiation therapy or radiosurgery for numerous lesions scattered throughout the brain. 

Radiosurgery appears to be safe and has prevented local recurrences in my case, with fewer sessions than conventional radiation which caused white matter changes representing chronic ischemic changes. I couldn't afford a cyberknife and underwent conventional radiation therapy in 2017 after which this happened. 

Sometimes tumours treated with radiation, on follow-up MRI imaging scans, appear stable without evidence of growth even mildly shrinking every time. 

LMD

Unexplored safe technology.

It is a new exciting technology which may help people trying to minimise collateral damage which with radiation treatments has always been the challenge. 

The precision of proton therapy can be critical for protecting the brain’s delicate tissues.

Proton therapy can limit the amount of normal brain tissue receiving radiation. That reduces the effects on important functions, such as vision and hearing.

Proton radiation may be less likely to damage nearby organs, such as the heart and lungs while treating areas around the spinal cord. This technique is safe and potentially effective.

Often, people with these recurrent tumours have received significant radiation doses in the past to important parts of the brain. These may include optic nerves, which are critical to vision, and the brainstem, which regulates many essential body functions, such as breathing, heart rate, and swallowing. 

To treat more people with proton therapy is by making the technology even more accessible. Currently, this technology is available only in Apollo Chennai and expensive enough to cost an arm and leg.

If only, governments or some trust or Institute sponsors the high cost of my treatment. I could have a better and longer life and my quality of life would be better. 

References

• Hemangioblastomas with leptomeningeal dissemination: case series and review of the literature in journal Acta Neurochirurgica.

• Supratentorial leptomeningeal hemangioblastoma resection after preoperative embolization Lee, Ching-Yi, Chen, Shiu-JauLanguage: English Journal: Formosan Journal of Surgery.

• Journal of Korean Medical Science, article Arch Pathol Lab Med--Vol 132, January 2008- Intradural Extramedullary Leptomeningeal Hemangioblastomatosis and Paraneoplastic Limbic Encephalitis Diagnosed at Autopsy

• Journal Neuropathology -A report of supratentorial leptomeningeal hemangioblastoma and a literature review 

• Power and Precision: Proton Therapy Can Target Brain and Spine Tumors with Fewer Side Effects

Book lovers day : How books influenced me in different stages of my life

 All I can say is that I was born with a book in my hand. Reading was not only my passtime, but it was also my passion, my obsession and fodder for my active mind. Books stimulated my brain switching on the thinking process and the reasoning and led me to the peak of happiness.

I started with Enid Blyton and enjoyed her Famous five and Secret Seven series, also the wonderful magical adventures of Wishing chair, Faraway tree, Mr Pink-whistle's party which enhanced my vivid imagination to a brilliant and powerful one. Albeit damn interesting, books helped me pick up some confidence and optimism and admire the forces of nature, rain or sunshine, wind or quietude.

As I grew up in my aloneness books became my only companion. I spent a good deal of time in bookshops turning over the pages of books I used to think if only my life were a thousand years long I could read all these books. Two bookshops became my regular haunting place to which I went for an evening walk and returned loaded with wrapped up books. 

By this time I had read all Agatha Christie. Michael Crichton and Arthur.C.Clarke books I was reading as many books as  I could lay my hands on. I fell in love with their novels so much so that an idea lurked in my mind that one day I will be an author. After reading "Wheelers" by mathematician Ian Stewart and biologist Jack Cohen, I told my father " I am going to be an author." He took the book I was holding and looked at me happily. "Okay finish your studies and keep reading books. I will be the happiest person to find a publisher for your books", he gave me a frank smile that strengthened my confidence. While reading "The Name of the Rose" by Umberto Eco I discovered Philip.K.Dick and Neil Gaiman. I'd like to see shelves with books rather than furniture in my room. When Philip K Dick entered my life I had odd sensations, fidgety and nervous but didn't understand my feelings. I had odd nightmares but told my mother that aliens are trying to get in touch with me so just keep everything shush! I could hear things which others couldn't and see stuff which nobody did! I asked my mother to be sure of that and was convinced either I could see ghosts and hear them or aliens are trying to get in touch with me. I was happy with the thought.

After some time elapsed my mother saw me getting violent partial seizures while in sleep, she called my father and both tried to hold down my body getting spasms but the force with which it was happening they couldn't. After I woke up I didn't remember what happened to me at night. For this brain tumour, father ran across India looking for a suitable doctor. After fifteen days of admission,  when the doctor saw I was reading "Minority Report " in the hospital bed he denied doing the surgery but I was told these very words “Come at the last moment when the tumour grows to the size of a Deus ball” it was also added that there was a chance of getting paralyzed for life.

My father sought out a tiny nursing home in Kolkata with minimum facilities where ultimately the surgery of the tumour was done in 2006. After the craniotomy ( open brain surgery) These tumours are extremely vascular. A biopsy would make them bleed resulting in a stroke. I woke up with paralysis on the left side. After the craniotomy ( open brain surgery) I experienced total numbness in my arms and hands and I couldn't close my fingers and make a fist. But this was sorted out by proper physiotherapy and exercise and I got back the control of my limbs but even now I don't have sensations in my fingertips. Currently, I am suffering the consequences as Leptomeningeal dissemination of hemangioblastomas (HB) of the central nervous system (CNS) is extremely rare. Between 1902 and 2013, approximately 132 cases were reported. Without previous surgery such cases haven't been reported, it is due to spillage and spread of tumour cells through the cerebrospinal fluid(CSF) space in patients with a genetic predisposition to the condition. I made up my mind to keep myself well-informed so that I don't get into such situations.

Well, certain things are just fated, and I had a liver transplant but I had the ability to overcome it and the subsequent viral infection which was supposed to be fatal for me. But life offered a few moments of bliss, and happiness then. I read up " One Flew over the cuckoo's nest" and finished the Ring trilogy by Koji Suzuki. 

When my tough times began after my father perished books kept me away from the feeling of irritation and provided courage and strength. I read, "The Shadow of the Wind" but "The Lovely Bones" put my spirits down. I thought I'd better not read Isaac Bashevis Singer, Albert Camus or Jorge Luis Borges. Times change and when things get better I shall read those. I started with " Wise Guy", Jack Reacher novels when I discovered a marvellous thriller "Killer inside me".

Then I had a cyberknife. It was a time which had a lasting effect on my life. I had sudden brain fog, short-term memory loss and I became cranky. I wrote my poems and read and primarily stuck with crime thrillers. I possess a lot of unobtainable books and I am glad my father and brother always gifted me books.

I discovered "A Kiss before dying" by Ira Levin. After I finished the book I was sorry I had finished it so soon. I developed abililiophobia, a critical condition. The book reminded me of the Bollywood movie "Bazigar" but as we know books are always better than films. I made up my mind if my brain permits me to be an author I will write an entirely different book like no one has ever read before or can correlate to.

But then again, I was in dire straits as the landlord presented me with a court notice on my birthday as I was diagnosed with kidney cancer and optic nerve tumour but by a twist of fate I got cancer surgery but optic nerve radiation therapy was late making me blind with the right eye and left with mum within the stipulated time given by the court. 

While reading my favourite Mark Twain short stories and" Letters from the Earth" re-reading "Three men in a boat", " Dracula" I read Shirley Jackson's books.

I made up my mind after completing Roald Dahl that I'd write a ghost story someday. 

One sunny morning, sitting with a cup of coffee after the 2017 radiation therapy I made up my mind to write unique detective stories. I created unique characters drawn from my life and wrote about Mum with an unexpectedly brilliant and problem-solving mind enjoying the guise of a harmless little lady with a remarkable facility for observation and notation of the trivia which often leads her to solve impossible cases. Her daughter Princess is very ill but doesn’t spend time brooding over it. With her anxious searching gaze and flashing her brilliant determined smile twiddling with various theories, she helps Mum solve mysteries introducing Verma Sharma detective duo as comic relief and Arin as an inspector in the homicide department who takes the help of Mum for puzzling cases. Even Dr Ishita liked the stories.

Next time I thought of writing a paranormal story of a gifted child. She has an unusual ability. The power to see those spirits wandering on the margins of the world. The fabled sprites come to meet her, to play with her but this amazing ability makes her different. It doesn’t let her blend in with normal people. One day a vengeful spirit visits her and tells his story. The ghost was on a desperate quest of a murderous assassin to stop a crime against humanity when he fell into their trap and got killed. He seeks help from her to avenge his killers. But how did Mina go missing? The story is in the diary. It is a medley of ghost story and spy-thriller like never been written before.

But my disease is an albatross around my neck and I developed severe lancinating pain of bilateral trigeminal neuralgia and it felt like holding a live cable against my eye, cheeks, teeth. I got a cyberknife of right side but the left side is pending. I have several problems after the cyberknife but no way to get an MRI or follow up with the doctor. Hence, I'm again with my beloved pals. Reading and writing help to improve memory and get a good night's sleep. The entertainment part is an important part along with boosting courage. I have taken names of just a few of the books I have read, I have missed a lot of gems like Kazuo Ishiguro, P.G.Wodehouse, Keigo Higashino, Kanae Minato, Stieg Larsson and the classics which are a vital part of our lives.